Hiatus/ Thailand trip update

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Hey guys! As I have mentioned many weeks prior to now in various posts, I will be going to Thailand for two weeks with my family starting on Tuesday next week, however I am not as enthusiastic about going as everyone thinks. 😛

For starters where we’re going is a place my family have been travelling to for many years before I was born and every Christmas up until I was 11. We will be going back as a family for the first time in years and I can’t help but dread it because of many reasons one being my dad says he wants to spend all the time basically relaxing by the beach or the pool and when I was a young girl I loved swimming and going around town with him when he went to make friends with locals and other tourists. Now I have changed, I am an adult and have more of an adventure spirit for exploring rather than just going around bars and swimming, I have wanted excursions and trips to cultural hotspots rather than just doing what my mum and dad want which is beach stopping and going around shopping malls. I have brought this up with my mum in particular and we have had a few arguments but she has left things open, HOWEVER my dad has been really reluctant for even just my mum and I to go out as the exchange rate is really poor now and Thailand is an expensive country for us now and I know that if mum says let’s go somewhere and then dad says he’s not going to pay for transport then there’s not much mum can do as he is the one with all the money so he gets the final say :/

I have brought up my worries with my support workers and some friends and the friends in particular have been REALLY unsympathetic which my support worker helped me see sense of because no one I have met this year is going anywhere exciting this Christmas and while I may be sick to death of hearing the OMG’s you’re so lucky! I still can’t really see the forest for the trees :/ The greedy voice in my head has told me to fill any frustrations I may have with material things and as hinted in other posts, I have a real passion at the moment for ethnic clothes and Thailand has a very big Indian community (the two countries are not too far apart) which in my arguments with my parents I have said I will withdraw £500 from my grants money and give to them for me to spend in the Indian markets. When I’m not rational I saw this as perfectly fair because I am not asking a penny from them and I will sit quietly while they do their own shit, though this only caused more arguments which I don’t want to go into and my support worker was aghast that in her words I was just going to throw all that away just for brief satisfaction as I have a lot of clothes now and haven’t worn a lot of them plus I’m losing weight (I can’t really wear those types of clothes now as it is winter and needless to say they are designed for hot weather) and I’m not mentioning what my friend said!

On yesterdays session we went over and over how I should look at this holiday and we reflected on the terrible behaviour I exhibited when I was 11 that caused my parents to never take me to Thailand at Christmas again. She basically told me that I’m an adult now and my parents work all year round while I mostly just relax and that I go on more holidays than a lot of people she knows including herself and her family. She also knows (and I have had a look at my bank statement) that my balance has gone down an awful lot because fairplay, I have spent money on essentials like a new washing machine and the like but hundreds of pounds have been spent on ethnic clothes both from shops as well as online where I have worn my mum down with “persuasion” and she has allowed me purchases in exchange for other favours which I have kept. I don’t need to tell you this but money is something I’ve never really understood as I never had pocket money as a child and have never had paid work as well as the fact it is part of my autism, though everyone around me knows that there are a lot of improvements needed for the house I live in and while my dad has agreed to pay towards costs, I can see in a way now that I need to learn responsibility and budgeting which is something my support workers and I have agreed to do urgently in the new year when I’m home.

There is also something else that is really worrying us which is the matter of my dads health as he has quite seriously failed a routine blood test and the doctors are not really happy for him to come on this trip saying he needs a hospital appointment ASAP. Dad has decided for now that he will go on the trip though they will send him an appointment hopefully as soon as he gets back and this is very worrying for all of us and all the more reason for me to be gentle with him and let him do his own thing. Perhaps some noticed but I haven’t felt very inspired these past few days to come on this site as I have had a lot on my mind and we think it could also be the time of year that is causing this lethargy. I have packed a lot of books for Thailand and my support workers have arranged times soon after I come home for me to meet them, but really as they have said, I need to take into account my dads health and count my blessings that I am allowed to come on this trip for free as my support workers know other parents who charge their adult children (some autistic or with other disabilities) living at home rent and they sure as hell wouldn’t get any all expenses paid holidays as adults! She has also told me to not take any money with me as she knows I cannot control myself and mum has also said she won’t be taking me to the Indian market now end of 😦 We all still have our worries and I know, my support worker knows that my parents don’t understand or even try to understand autism and that will never change because I could write paragraphs and paragraphs about their personalities and attitudes over the years but I know they are old and hard working people and my support worker says as an adult I need to be more empathetic and understanding of others other than myself…

Sigh, we’re all just really hoping this vacation won’t be a total disaster like so many others have been and of course my dads health…

Because I am still working a lot of things out at the moment I will start my hiatus now, I don’t know when I will come back exactly as I come home on the 27th of Dec but don’t know how things will have gone or how I’m feeling then… I will hope for positivity and I will see everyone again soon 🙂

merry christmas GIF by Pusheen

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