Hey guys! As you can see I have another update in regards myself and this blog, recently as I have hinted in a few previous posts I have been struggling with stress, depression and negative feelings all revolving around college.
Recently the main tutor of my Business Admin course has been off sick, she’s been off sick for three weeks now and more are to come (in fact I was told she might never come back because she has a medical condition that causes extreme pain in the bones and muscles). All of us as a class have been struggling with her absence as not only was she a brilliant tutor but she is very good at explaining things and seems to genuinely care for her students, so now we are more or less left to our own devices to get through our assignments ourselves. On my first week back I was positive to be starting the new year and going back to college, but as the weeks wore on with no sign of tutor guidance I started to feel lower and lower in mood. Most of you already know this but I have Aspergers syndrome and one of the ways that affects me is I like to have routine and structure in my daily life and I’m wary of change.
All these days just sat in college not knowing what to do and with upcoming exams has really affected me as I have had really low moods where I have broken down crying more than a few times once in public with thoughts of quitting everything. My friends in college were really supportive and did their best to help but I just couldn’t seem to fight this inner sadness that seemed to be radiating from within. My support workers have said these lows are caused by a variety of things like the drastic change in my routine and the lack of structure and guidance in class. This week has been one of the worst weeks I’ve had for low moods in a long time, it has been horrendous. But, it shouldn’t all be doom and gloom, I have tried to plan these past few days some strategies and escapes from these moods should they come, like researching the public bus routes home (I have a free bus pass but I have always been wary of buses because of my lack in confidence, but my support workers think the desire to get away from the negativity I feel in college will help me overcome my nervousness) and planning certain things to do in college like seeing student welfare.
So you might be thinking what this has to do with this site, well it is because I will be taking a break from the blog for I don’t know how long because believe it or not but blogging is actually making me feel worse recently! 😮 In class and in my free time after class when waiting for the college bus I have tried to go on the blog to help my feelings as that’s what helped me a lot last year, but I have noticed this week that my feelings of depression have deepened when I go on the blog because, as my support workers say, blogging reminds me of happy times and that to me is just a stark reminder that I can’t be happy at the moment. I know it sounds lame but I have had depression a lot in my time and this time it is quite sharp, so sharp that my support workers have recommended going to see a doctor if things don’t improve after putting all these plans in place. I also know that this month my stats have been quite good and I have reached more people on this site but I just can’t seem to face anything at the moment except reading and revision and just trying to calmly get through this phase.
I totally promise to get back to blogging as soon as I can and I can guarantee that I will be back to this wonderful world sometime (I’m certainly not leaving forever) but at the moment I just need to be calm and try to get through assignments and focus on getting used to the public buses. During this time of relaxation I also hope to finish a lot of my TBR and really focus on finishing more books that I’ve had out for a long time because as my support workers said it’s now getting ridiculous the amount of times I’ve renewed some of them. Anyway I totally hope everyone else is enjoying the winter where they are and basically I hope to be back to you guys ASAP and I am very grateful to those who have encouraged me on this site despite me not being in a good place, you really are great! 🙂